Monday, February 09, 2009

I Hate CSI Miami

Let's just stretch reality that little bit more, shall we? Seriously - Puff Daddy as a lawyer?

The episode starts with a murder trial - Diddy is the defense attorney. While speaking to the witnesses, and the jury, he continually refers to his client as "my client." That might be fine and dandy, but I always imagined you wanted the jury to associate a name with the defendant. I could be completely off here - someone follow up with me on this, but I think a jury would have more trouble convicting "tommy" (or whoever) than "the client."

During closing arguments, the prosecutor points out that the defendant never testified in his own defense, and suggested that in and of itself was evidence of his guilt. Mistrial. That simple. You cannot use the fact that a defendant exercised his 5th Amendment right to not be a witness against himself as "evidence" of his guilt. The trial should have ended right then and there. Of course, it didn't. Instead, the case goes to the jury, and while they are deliberating, El Poseur is having a discussion with the deceased's father. Immediately, EP is at the CSI body bag center, where the victim is still in stasis. Odd that a murder trial could be put together more quickly than it takes a body to be buried, but, hey, it's Miami - I guess anything's possible. After all, Puffy Combs is a lawyer! As the jury renders its guilty verdict, EP is asking to see the corpse, and, amazingly, there are flies all over, which leads EP to say "this changes everything." Cut to opening theme. Someone explain to me how a body could be resting at room temperature (so that the flies could be roaming about, maggots and all), without decomposing in Miami, long enough for an arrest to be made, DNA to be extracted, a trial to begin, be conducted, and go to jury instruction and not have any sense of "you've gotta be kidding me!"

The jury of course, finds the guy guilty, just as CSI realizes that they got the wrong guy.

I miss a little bit, though I don't think I missed anything. I find it somewhat amusing that the whole point of this episode is to show how El Poseur, the Smirk, the Jaw, Doe-eyed girl, and company screwed the pooch by not considering alternative suspects when going after "the guy."

Pretrial discovery must not exist in Miami. The Smirk starts looking at some sources for some blood they found, and decides to check golf gloves. Fortunately, she finds a match. What luck! A golf glove that matches blood stains! What are the odds?! Seriously, what are the odds that they can find a glove that would match the blood pattern at the scene (and the odds that these professionals would skip such an "obvious" step in the process the first time around)?

They then decide to detain the one guy on the golf course who has that glove, though he volunteers that several people have those gloves, but they aren't suspects. He is, though, because his friend used to have relations with the corpse (before she was a corpse). Makes sense to me.

Some police brutality ensues, as they try to outsmart Attorney Diddy. Torgo stops the suspect, because he was going 36 in a 35, and is driving around with a broken taillight.

He has to surrender his badge and gun, but turns his camera over to The Smirk and the Jaw. They inspect his pictures, and see a broken tail light that was broken "from the inside." they enlarge and enhance the picture, and magically see an eye! Someone is alive in the trunk of the car! Just imagine, if this guy hadn't assaulted the driver, he never would have been in the absolute perfect spot to take a random photograph on the way out clearly showing an eye!

I just love how the CSI team is there to execute the search warrant. Now, was the warrant for the house, or the car? Apparently, doesn't matter to these guys, or Sean "Puffy" lawyer, who lets them search everything.

I just don't want to say anything about P-attorney telling CSI where to look for the allegedly kidnapped person, but at least it gives EP a chance to ride in a helicopter using IR equipment! Do they have a bold cutter to find the kidnapped girl? Yes! They do! El Poseur to the rescue once again!

Seriously, DNA from an air filter? Nobody else was in the car, ever, except for the corpse and the suspect? What a load of crap!

P-Diddlesticks should be disbarred. He's one crappy lawyer.

Ooh, a twist - the judge is dirty. We didn't see that coming. What a surprise. and now the judge, who has a brain, you'd think, is sitting here spilling it.

Now, convicted guy from the beginning of the episode is released, even though there's no evidence that his conviction's been overturned, or that he's been paroled... but who cares about that? CSI was right again! (except for the convicted guy who's been in jail this whole time).


Just Wondering said...

Like a moth to a flame ...

Feisty 'Bama Princess said...

Ugh! You love it, you know it! Now own it!

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