Friday, February 08, 2008

I still hate CSI Miami

So this past Monday, my wife has CBS on. I'm ok with this, because I'm a fan of the Big Bang Theory and 2 1/2 Men - while not classics of American Comedy, they are two of the best Sitcoms out there right now. Unfortunately, after those shows end, CSI Miami comes on. CSI Miami is crap with fancy cars. The show is marked by painful one-liners delivered by stiff actors complete with choppy editing and slick (useless) special effects.

This past week, someone was shot (of course). Being that it was Miami, the person was shot in the middle of the day in a busy park or beach or something, and the question is, "who did it?" Fortunately, we have the best in the business at work here. I came in a little late, but I did see a lot of the really annoying crap. I will recap.

First, Adam Rodriguez's character is standing behind a bush, and announces that this is where the bullet came from, because he can see the bullet hole in one of the leaves. Yes. He is that freaking awesome, that he can find the ONE LEAF that has a bullet hole in it, and he does this by crouching. This guy is amazing. He didn't just search around methodically looking for clues, he walked to a spot, crouched, and saw the bullet hole. We then were treated to a stop-action rewind of the bullet being shot and going through the leaf.

But his magic doesn't stop there. Adam Rodriguez also picks up another leaf from the ground. In his clairvoyance, he actually knows how to pick up THE ONLY LEAF that the guy hiding behind the bush dripped sweat on. Never mind that it's been at least a day since the leaf fell and it's been windy, and there apparently has been no ground crew to sweep up the leaves that have fallen, the fact that he can reach down and pick up one leaf out of many and have that leaf be THE ONE that has the guy's DNA on it is nothing less than miraculous. Of course, because the DNA is old and on a plant, it's nearly impossible to extract the DNA - but wait! Eva LaRue has a fancy new machine that will destroy everything from the leaf EXCEPT the DNA. How fortunate! How timely! And how expensive would that have been for a police department to get? Would that be budgeted before, I don't know, hiring more cops? I think so! It's slicker, and allows for more useless special effects. My question, though, involves how it destroys everything but the DNA. First off - I've stood in the sun - I live in Texas, after all, and I don't regularly drip sweat in the first place. But even if I did, and even if that drip landed square on a leaf that didn't blow away, and EVEN IF the cop picked that leaf to test, wouldn't the leaf have its own DNA that would screw up the test? I'm no biologist, but I understood every living thing had DNA? But I digress.

Turns out the guy that was behind the bush didn't do it. Curses!

So they have to go back to the crime scene. Here, they do some stop motion recreation of the scene, with the victim being shot and stopped as he starts to fall. Adam Rodriguez and Emily Procter then start deducing. And they deduce the hell out of this! First, they determine that the shot came from (I think they said) about 150 yards. Then they look and see a possible spot for the shooter to shoot from. But they'd already checked that and saw no GSR (gunshot residue). So Emily Procter then figures out how fast the wind was blowing that day at that time by guessing (seriously), and also remembers which direction the wind was coming from, even though she was not there when the shot was fired, and THEN is able to calculate how much the bullet (actually drawing the curve in the air, with actual dotted lines for us to follow along) would have curved due to the wind so that the shooter would have hit the victim, all in her head. So they go to the boat, which fortunately had its deck closed for repairs, and found GSR, proving that the whole ship is full of idiots who didn't see a guy carrying a 30.06 running around the deck. They also find some jelly-iodine that the hospitals use to treat burn victims (another special effect here). This leads them to the hospital, where their perpetrator has been recovering from burns (from a suicide pact because he and his girlfriend got too much debt - he shot the loan agent, because what else could he do? It wasn't their fault they signed the loans, after all), meaning that not only does the hospital have such lax care that they allowed him to leave without checking as to his whereabouts, but that even though he's too stupid to manage money or stay in college, is somehow equipped with sniper skills to know precisely how much to compensate for the wind to pull off a head shot from over 150 yards.

And I know people who live for this show, because of how well these people solve the problems.


photog said...

Repeat. I think I've seen that episode already. Of course, I've seen a total of 5 episodes ... maybe.
The plot behind the show is okay, but I can't stand that red-headed child actor. He really isn't a very good actor. Yet somehow he manages to make millions. That's why I stick to Law & Order if I watch crime dramas. "These are their stories ... dhun, dhun."! said...

I can't believe you sat through the whole thing. Is this what the writer's strike has done to you? Because hang in there. It's ending and we'll have original content back on the air by April, hopefully.

Kirsten said...

Come on! This is the most hilarious show on TV.

(Looking over the top of my glasses) And THAT (dramatic pause and slowly pushing my glass back up the bridge of my nose) is all I have to(dramatic pause again) say.

Febs said...

I'm really glad there are other people who hate CSI: Miami after I heard/read some people actually raving about how cool and good the show is. I hate that show particularly because of David Caruso. I hate it so much, that I actually googled 'I hate CSI: Miami'...that's how I found your blog.

I watched probably only 3-4 episodes, and that's waaay enough for me. Even though I don't watch the show anymore, I still bitch about it every time I saw a promo of the show.

I love the original and CSI: NY.
I mean, I love Emily Procter in West Wing, but I hate her in Miami. What's wrong with this show that makes everybody in the cast suck?!

Steve said...

Yeah, this show is a pain. The cheesy lines, the extensive liberty with probability, the painful overuse of special effects to drag a 40 minute show out to an hour...

I don't really understand why people like this show. Emily Procter's little smirk that she has for every emotion drives me insane. Eva LaRue doesn't look remotely like a police officer, and David Caruso comes off as a smug camera hog.

Anonymous said...

i don't know about anyone else , but i know that my city's police dept.(akron,ohio) is exactly like this. i mean seriously, doesn't every
police dept. use scientists instead of actual police officers anymore? they detect, arrest, interrogate, judge, and hell convict all the criminals. who needs cops? we have scientists. and don't all criminals confess to there crimes without an attorney present just because some outrageous jackass stands sideways
or with his back to them while never taking his sunglasses off until he turns to face them with a great one-liner, only to put them right back on, especially when indoors! and don't all female scientist, um, i mean cops, wear skin tight clothes and look like models? plus high heels are comfortable shoes for such grueling
outdoor work i would imagine. ok sorry, i'll stop. aren't there any real police officials out there that are completely offended by this s***?

somedevil said...

i hate this show too!
i have a blog dedicated to it

Anonymous said...

Question. How many morons out there actually believe what they see on those garbage CSI shows is actually true? Well boys and girls, sadly -- millions.
Take this scenario. A rare, hard to find rope was used to create a corpse of some poor slob. Yep, it was gonna be hard to find who might sell this rope. Hold it - no it ain't. Let's fire up our CSI Rope Database which will search the inventory of every store on the planet. Yep, it worked.
Let's whip right over to these stores and see who bought this rope. We'll then have suspects and eventually nail the killer.
Listen up CSI dickheads. There ain't no rope database.
CSI do not track down leads. I have seen episodes where they stake-out suspects waiting for them to leave behind a DNA sample. Listen up CSI twitbrains -- IT'S MADE UP.

How can anyone enjoy a television show that is crap from start to finish.

Speaking of cops. Have you ever noticed that Brass cop on the regular CSI series always works the same shift as the CSI gang does? Caruso cop guy from Miami always looks at people sideways. He also pays a lot of hospital bills and funeral expenses for crime victims. He is one swell man.

You may have noticed the CSI shows have a database to search anything. They can search people's private medical records to see what drugs a person has purchased. Here is the scenario from CSI Miami. I could have it backwards, not being an insulin expert, but this is the general idea.

CSI twits have determined that the murderer uses insulin because the murder scene has a sweet smell, which supposedly insulin does when a person is getting low. The suspect they are interviewing doesn't stink, but his limo does. Holy smokes, CSI now knows said suspect uses insulin. Good thing they smelled inside the limo. CSI hunches that the suspect must have injected just before committing the dreadful deed this time around. No problem for CSI. They search a database for all people who bought insulin in the last 24 hours, and yes, the suspects name is on the list. Get real CSI. There ain't no way, ever, that this is plausible. It would mean they can search every pharmacist's database anytime they damn well feel like it. Duh. How did they get permission to do this? I guess all pharmacies are required by law to let the police search people's private records. More Duh!

Anytime a CSI person has a hunch about something, they sit their sweet ass down at a computer, and just start typing. Poof, up pops an answer. There was no need to actually find the correct non-existant database first, then search.

CSI's are experts of all trades. They can inspect a car from top to bottom to determine if someone was messin with it. They can analyze a cars electronics just like that and understand what the data means. Wow! It takes a real mechanic a long time to learn this.

Holy Smokes CSI writers. Here is an idea for a spinoff. The show is about a mechanic who just happens to be an expert in all things CSI.

Stay tuned CSI lovers. More idiotic scenarios coming soon.

And here is another as promised.
CSI gang is at the home of some suspect. They lift a fingerprint from some object. It just so happens that one of the gang has the set of fingerprints with them of the person who committed the crime. The two are compared, but not with any scientific means, just by a casual glance, and guess what - they match. Crime solved.

Same scenario as above, this time one of the gang has a transparent image of a tire tread with them. He puts this image on a tire of the suspect vehicle and instantly declares "It's a match" Yeah, well it will match thousands of other tires as well. A match is found by finding some irregularity. How did he know which tire to compare? Maybe the irregularity was on the bottom of the tire. Maybe in real life the tires would need to be removed, taken to the lab where some kind of established comparing method has to be used.

In the meantime all of those CSI FREAKS should be required by law to increase your intelligence about the real world of CSI.

Anonymous said...

Thank you sooo much for this blog! i want to go into Criminal Justice, and watching shows like CSI Miami make me physically ill. Whenever i say "im going into law enforcement" some idiot goes "OMG LIKE CSI?!" (insert slightly explicit rant about the fakest show on televison) anyone ever notice that they almost never wear gloves to a crime scene, pick key pieces of evidence up before photographing them, CSIs do NOT carry guns, or follow the case. DNA testing takes at least 12 hours, not minutes. ahhh, i could go on for days.

Steve said...

My CSI Miami rant posts are rather popular. I'm happy to provide a venue for those who feel the same sense of ire at this show to share their opinions.

Anonymous said...

Cut any of these CSI shows and save Swingtown!!!

Sign this petition to save Swingtown!!

Please pass the link on!!!

Laney said...

CSI Miami is a joke! The show is a ridiculous, laughable soap opera at best with boring characters. Caruso's character is probably the worst. The writers of the show try to make Horacio Cane a very cool and caring individual. Yet, his stupid one-liners, pulling off and putting on his sunglasses, and side standing make him completely ridiculous, unreal, and pompous. I have never seen Horacio in the lab doing anything productive. He is so useless. It was a big mistake casting Eva LaRue as well. She can't even act. CSI Miami is all about the rich, famous, fast cars, and beautiful people. Have you noticed that most, if not all episodes, are centered on the very rich and popular? Good Grief! CSI: Crime Scene Investigation and even CSI: NY are much better choices. The episodes for each show are more realistic and the focus is solving crimes rather than glorifying cities. CSI Miami should be canceled. It wasn’t bad the first 3 seasons or so, but it has really gone down the hill. It’s crap now!

Anonymous said...

The late David Carradine stopped doing "Kung Fu" after only 3 years because he said they were starting to repeat themselves. Miami is in year 6/7?? CSI is in year 9/10?? First you see the story on CSI, then it shows up on Miami and lastly on NY. The hope that the cast will take acting lessons over the summer dies hard. They never do, of course.

Anonymous said...

Who wouldn't love the computers they use in the labs? Or the masses of specialist databases they can search through at the blink of an eye? A partial(very partial, like 1 square inch...) footprint is found. Let's load in the image to our super duper database and see what happens. A few seconds and several beeps later a match is found. It turns out the print comes from a very unusual pair of shoes. So unusual that they can only be bought in a store in inner Mongolia. A quick cross check of the stores customer database with our own People-Who-Are-Likely-To-Wear-Shoes database will give us our suspect. Sorted.

Anonymous said...

I to hate this bollocks.

Big fan of CSI, and CSI:NY is ok, it wouldn't be if Mr Sinise wasn't playing the main role let me assure you.

I saw a lot of adverts about CSI:Miami, looked ok so I checked out a couple of episodes. I haven't watched it since because of many reasons people have already stated.

My main problem are the bad actors. Even with the dire, pathetic script fed to them by the writers they are bad.

I like Grissom. He's a believable guy, you can coming across people like him.
I like Mr Sinise's character also. Ex military like myself, slightly one-dimensional and a stereotype, but nothing that bad I should google 'I hate CSI:NY'. Much unlike how Horatio Cane and his little band of s****y... actors.

The Cane character itself is so annoying and ridiculously unrealistic. Put bluntly, Horatio Cane pisses me off.
Add to that the red head fellow that portrays him and IS THAT ACTING?? REALLY?? Every situation I've seen him in, bearing in mind I've only seen two... and a half, he is too calm and seems almost zombie-like. Did somebody drug his tea?
Even just now for instance. He went to a jail, stood outside the fence and called his son over, he calmly told him to be careful or something while not changing his expression. You know what expression I'm talking about. Horrible acting, horrible script, never watching the crap again. It's bad enough seeing the adverts!

I'm done ranting, I recommend 'The Shield' and 'Law and Order'. Atleast then your brain cells won't be completely fried with the unrealism and HORRIBLE acting. : )

Alex said...

I'm pretty sure CSI: Miami is just some huge joke that has gone on too far. I bet all the actors and writers are constantly loling at the people that gawk over how awesome Horatio is. I mean this HAS to be a joke right?

Anonymous said...

This is a great post. This damn show drives me CRAZY. It is unbearably stupid and I often get forced to watch it because my mom loves Horatio. The CSIs on this show are just goddamn amazing. The CSIs carry badges, guns, they track down leads, they interrogate witnesses, they work in the lab, they wear four inch heels to work yet still manage to run down a suspect!! Plus they have a lab that is presumably supported by state and local taxes that is more high-tech than NASA!! And the sad thing is, alot of people really do believe this shit! I'm a prosecutor and lately my colleagues and I have been horrified by juries who are leaning towards acquittal because they want to know where the DNA is, all the special forensics, etc!! They don't get that 80% of cases have no forensics!! And on another note: HOW MANY PEOPLE HAS HORATIO KILLED?? He's gunned down more than a dozen people that I can count, yet still carries a gun and badge and to my knowledge has never been disciplined. He's like a modern version of Dirty Harry. Half the shit he does would get a real cop kicked off the force and sent to jail. This show is pure comedy, but it still drives me batshit!!

Steve said...

I still enjoy going back and reading over some of my recaps.

Thank you to all of you who have come by and left your comments. I think the fact that I have new commenters showing up on posts I wrote over two years ago is amazing. Perhaps I should start recapping this garbage again...

Anonymous said...

Sorry guys, but all the CSI shows are long overdue for cancellation. Ratings for the original CSI have gone down 29% since Grissom left. Can't get too excited over Delco and his blonde bimbo, i.e. Callie. Has anyone kept track of how many men she's slept with. The first couple of years she was all over "H" like a cheap suit. Didn't Callie have a hot to trot teenage daugher at one point? What happened to her? Is she living with Mommie and Delco? Any guess on what's going to happen there? I mean, we are talking Delco!

Nick said...

I personally think that CSI miami rocks. Law and order sucks. its so depressing and the actors look like they constintly have a big fat stick up there A**. and as for the one-liners for david caruso that's his charector, he supposed to be misterious. and all the other gay crime dramas out there solve the crime with one piece of evidence, ya like thats possible. I think you guys are all just pissed off,b/c csi miami is the 3rd largest show on cable. so dont diss caine, because you aint him. and most of the women out there bithching about him, to you i say: he looks like your bf probly. and believe me when i say there are many more "i hate" blogs for all your shows then csi miami. like big bang theory, has anyone ever heard of homo-sexual. gay. i would say that show is so gay. that all the actors are gay, and the script sucks. its like get a writer. P.S. to all you F*** heads, my name is Nick and i live in Montana. CSI MIAMI RULES!!!!!!!!!!CSI MIAMI RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!CSI MIAMI RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!CSI MIAMI RULES!!!!!!!!!!!!

nick said...

ohh ya this is Nick from Montana again, and to all you sluts out there dissing on callahe she is way hotter that your fat ass, guarenteed. and she has only slept with 2 people on csi in 10 years, so lick my balls bitc*h. and no she has never had a daughter, ur thinking of the original csi. not maimi. and callaghe is smart, sexy, and i guarentee any guy would way rather f*uck her that any of the girls on this blog. Most of the girls that diss, are fat slobs sitting on the computer, fingering them selves, and eating chips, while looking at porn, and you see a actress alot hotter than you and your behind a screen, so you talk shit. so quit dissing. maybe if half you guys had a life you could hadle it, but you dont so F off.

nick said...

hey annomys that watches csi miami with his mommie, i hacked you, your not a prosecuter, ur a 20 yr old student. dont play with the big boys if you cant hang with them.

Nick......Again said...

In the meantime all of those CSI FREAKS should be required by law to increase your intelligence about the real world of CSI.

4:31 AM


this guy is a fag. with way to much time on his masterbation skills. lol. half you ppl have know idea about csi's. or let me guess you got the info from another losers. use info from one show, to bag the info about another. man, you guys are about as dumb as 2 taco shells hupping each other. freaking idoits.look at the ratings, that means u guys are a dieing breed. find something else to bitch about.

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