I Hate CSI Miami

Ahh, CSI Miami. Where would we be without you?

Probably a few brain cells better for the wear.

I tried to watch the episode tonight. I really did. Because I wanted to pan the whole thing. But I can't. It's just too stupid.

Let's start with the introduction. A lawyer gets out of his car; he's talking on his cell phone. As he's working on crossing the street, a Dodge Charger hits the gas, speeds down the road around a roundabout, turning to hit the lawyer square, knocking him down with enough force to kill him, and then the car immediately stops on top of him. I'm no physicist, but let's consider a couple things. First off, the car is speeding around a turn. I know tires handle well, but to turn without having to brake around even a slight turn is a bit incredulous. Second, the car hits the guy and immediately stops (i.e. within 10 feet). The car hit him hard enough to kill him and leave him bloody all over, yet it was able to stop in less space than it takes to stop a bicycle. Sure. And then, to top it off, this all happens fast enough to hit the guy square in the middle of the car's bumper even though he's walking across the street (so we're talking a matter of seconds for acceleration, maneuvering, contact, and braking).

Fortunately, the brave crew of CSI Miami shows up. They determine that the car being driven uses 100% biodiesel fuel. How fortunate. Even better - the car that hit the guy, hit him square on the briefcase he was carrying, and the license plate left a mark on the wood underneath the leather. Wow. Talk about your lucky breaks! David Caruso (el poseur) dons his lab coat in order to mix some mold to retrieve the numbers, which were too light to see with the naked eye, but which somehow come out much larger than they would on an actual license plate when imprinted and lifted on the mold. With this, el Poseur is able to give Jonathan Togo (who I'm not sure is even a human, I think he might be animatronic) a partial plate. Togo then pulls out his laptop which fortunately has not only wireless connection in the lab, but also has a database of all license plates in Florida AND is able to give them a list of 6 partial licenses that match the car that was driven AND use 100% bio-diesel. And all this happens in 45 seconds! I need a computer like that. The first car, fortunately, is a rental car from a company that lists all its cars' renters on an easy to access database for the police to recover without a warrant, and fortunately, without the company even knowing. Let's hear it for the USA PATRIOT Act!

They then interview the guy's wife (who just happens to be the person in whose name the car is rented); and she assures them that she was not the driver, as the car has been stolen. Time to find it. Fortunately, this is Miami, and the police department doesn't have to worry about any crime in the entire city other than this hit and run, so they're able to mobilize the police helicopters to go out and search Miami for a black car with the vehicle's license plate. I'm not entirely sure how they're going to check the license plates from the air, but I don't need to worry, because they very quickly find the stolen car among the hundreds of thousands of cars in Miami. Too bad they didn't kill the guy with a Chevy instead of a Dodge - Chevies have OnStar - they could have tracked it down that way and saved the taxpayers a few hundred thousand dollars.

They call Emily Procter's smug self over to inspect the car to find out who caused the accident. She looks in the open door and finds a piece of nail jewelry on the display behind the steering wheel. Just like that - looks in and takes it out. You need 4 years of college to do that.

The jewelry, Miami's finest decides, must belong to a teenager - and fortunately, the dead lawyer has a 16 year old daughter who just happens to be missing a piece of nail jewelry from her finger - talk about coincidences! Unfortunately, this turns out to be a red herring, as Togo rules her out immediately because she didn't want her parents to get divorced and she doesn't have a license, so there's no way she could have driven at all.

In the meantime, there's another murder. This time, it's a guy who's shot, but they don't know from which direction - cue the slow-motion re-enactment of him getting shot from above. El Poseur looks at him, says "see that green glass? It's not from this restaurant." He knows this because... we don't know how he knows this. He never asked anyone from the restaurant, it's not apparent that he frequents the restaurant, and I doubt he's ever written a treatise on glass shades of bottles at Miami eateries.

That was as far as I could get. This show is too ridiculous for words. Anyone who saw the last 40 minutes of the episode - let me know what happened, ok?