Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I Have Insomnia

And so I type.

My grandparents bought a cabin in Michigan on a lake. I remember taking trips up there whenever we flew to MI to visit everyone. The lake was nice, a little beaver dam lake, maybe a mile long and half a mile wide (probably a little bigger than that, but you get the idea). We'd go fishing from the dock, or in one of the rowboats. We'd go for walks in the woods. We'd catch various critters - well, other kids did, I never cared for that part of it. At night, sometimes we'd hear drums outside - I swore they were Indians on the other side of the lake, and on more than one occasion, my mind scared the daylights out of me. I once couldn't sleep because I'd read a story on the New Jersey Devil and was sure he was going to get me, even though Michigan is nowhere near New Jersey. I remember catching our dinner, and buying my first fishing lure. It's in the northern part of the southern peninsula of Michigan. Quiet area, though it's developing now, like so much of America.

I have realized that I need a place where I can get away. I didn't really care for San Angelo, because it's so remote, and it seems almost surreal at times, but I think I could appreciate a small town getaway if I had it at my disposal. I want the lazy days where I can stop worrying about everything, whether my kids are warm enough for school, if they ate well enough, if my car is going to fall apart on the way to class, whether I understood what I've read, whether I'm going to improve my GPA, when and where I'll ever get a job, when I'll ever get the apartment clean, whether I'm giving enough attention to everyone in my life, why I can't just sit down and read my texts, how we're going to pay the bills, whether we'll ever have anything significant in savings, whether I'll be able to get my kids into a good school where they don't need to be locked in during the day, if my back will stop hurting, if I can lose that weight I've put on, when we'll be able to afford dining room furniture that matches, a sofa that's not broken, my son will stop waking up screaming in the middle of the night, if I'll ever feel rested again, etc.

I'm so selfish. I've got it rather good. I'm in graduate school; I'm not some 37 year old equivalency degree holder with a heart murmer and a really bad divorce settlement that keeps me from being able to do anything more than work as a shift superviser at a meat market-type job. I have a loving wife, three wonderful children, good friends, a roof over my head and food in my refrigerator.

I just also have a mind that never turns off, and can't seem to focus on what it needs to. I really hope you can't have genius without a little insanity, because I think I might have the insanity part. I'm sorry for dropping all this in the middle of the night, but maybe if I put it out here, I can leave it and go to bed.

3 comments:

English Professor said...

It's not you--it's graduate (or law) school. People attracted to these institutions are, by and large, self-driven and performative. Being in the academic environment exacerbates those tendencies.

There are some very nice nonhabit-forming meds on the market for people who can't make their brains shut off for sleep, but don't want to be groggy in the morning. "Ask your doctor if SleepyKing* is right for you!"

*an invented name

Gramma said...

English Professor may have a point. Everything you are working for won't matter if you stress yourself into a heart attack. I miss the cabin, too. I wish I had a place to go away to on weekends. Simplify, simplify.

Cassie said...

A nice Tylenol PM will ease your back pain and help you sleep. I don't think it will leave you groggy in the morning.